A Letter To My Future Matchmaker

23 Mar

large loveOver the past few months, my love life has had all the tension of a romantic comedy without the payoff of a huge, white wedding for me to crash and steal the groom.

I’m only 24 years old so I’m not in a rush to find “the one” but It seems like every guy I’m interested in is an Olympian at “the game” and I haven’t worked out in a while.

I just want someone to split peanut butter and honey sandwiches with me.

images kiss

That’s where you, my emissary of affection, come in. Most women want a knight in shining armor, but I’m totally fine with the jester or even the hott stable boy. As long as he meets the following basic requirement:

1) He must have a “y” chromosome.

2) He must be funny, specifically sarcastic.

3) He needs to make money… somehow. As long as he doesn’t have the same profession as any of my previous boyfriends (lawyer, accountant, doctor, professional hocky player, and magician) or been impeached from a political office, we can make it work.

4) With my future posterity in mind, I prefer a man with equally sized nostrils, a Goldie-Locks approach to body hair –not too little and not too much– and an extra long lifeline on his palm (although, if it’s short we’ll just invest in a nice life insurance plan).

5) A widower with sweet children is preferred but I could handle hellians and a witchy ex-wife if necessary.

Some people say that “love don’t cost a thing,” but in this case, I’m prepared to pay-up: my pride, my tinder account, and an “I told you so” from my ex-best friend in middle school.

people in boat

No offense, but I hope that the next letter I write will be addressed to my future wedding planner. May Cupid and his co-angels be with you on your search.

Sincerely,

Find a Mate for Kate

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