I Was The Unintentional Party Pooper

1 Dec

art

Normal Party: A place where people get drunk and have fun.  Doing drugs, dancing, and hooking up are also popular activities.

Before tonight, the only parties I’ve been to were:

  1. A bro/bro-ho party in High School.  My Australian exchange students wanted to go to a “real” American party so a friend offered to take us to a friend of a friend’s place. The party ended up being hosted by a group of White Supremests (in San Diego we call them “Bros”).  Besides a few stupid racial slurs and my sweet little Christian friend’s body shaking uncontrollably because she decided to try alcohol AND weed for the first time, I had a great time talking with a guy who told me all about the logistics of his family’s pot farm.
  2. An African-American Family Reunion.  On my mission, one of the new members of the congregation invited us to come have dinner with his extended family. I was picturing a quiet, small cook-out with ribs and potato salad. Instead, there were about 75 to 80 people standing in the trailer park dressed like they were going to the club, drinking and listening to obscene rap music. Usually missionaries fit in pretty well at family gatherings; not this one. I felt like Sister Kate Herrod, the Mormon Buzz kill.
  3. Weekly Happy Hour with my work friends.  We had a lot of fun filling up on free chips and 1/2 priced drinks. Every week they would offer to buy me alcohol and I would always opt for a soda. Looking back, I can’t really figure out why I wanted to go every week. Whats the point of going to happy hour if you’re not going to take advantage of the liquor?

If you didn’t already know, I’m a Mormon, or a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  Members of my church generally try to abstain from alcohol, smoking, and drugs.

The odd nature of the Mormon sub-culture has been on the forefront of my mind recently because my non-mormon, high school friend, Kelsey, decided to move to Provo Utah (you can read all about her adventures here).

Although we go to “parties” all the time (church dances, caramel apple parties, and speed dating), she’s been itching to go to a “real” one for a while.  Although my past party experiences weren’t awesome, I thought it might be fun to give it a shot again.    

 Around 2 o’clock I decided to text 3 of my Utah-raised girl friends who seemed edgy enough to have some non-mormon friends (I met all three on my mission).

The first friend was a bust- no non-mormon friends.  The second had some distant connections but it would be a while before we could all hang out. The third was a direct hit! Not only did she have friends who weren’t Mormons, but she was going to a “real” party tonight. A local artist was throwing a masquerade house-party to show off his work. There would be music and one requirement: BYOB.

Artsy, alcohol, masquerades don’t happen every day in the Happy Valley. So I jumped on the opportunity.

art octupus

The artist’s original pieces.

The party was sparsely populated when we got there, and as we mingled  I began to notice a trend: Every very person I talked to was married.

Married Man #1: He was wearing a vest with 3o little handcuffs across the front. It was super tacky. I asked him about the vest and he said that his wife bought it for him when they got married. Rather than diving into all of the creative uses that a newly wed couple could find in such an item, we diverted the conversation to the size of the cuffs and their usefulness in holding small animals captive. Squirrels were the most exciting option.

Two kids later, his wife was home with the kids and the only action that the handcuffs were going to get was a brief conversation with some random girl about their potential use to ensnare local wildlife.

art princess

Married man #2: John.  As a no-shave-november, top hat wearing father of one daughter John had the remarkable ability to create obscene alliterations.  Once Kelsey joined forces with him, they were unstoppable.

One thing I learned very quickly about John was his ability to spot promising hidden talent.

When I met him, the first thing he said was, “I think that we’ve met before.”

I thought to myself: I doubt it.  I just look like every other preppy, blond, mormon girl that you run into on a daily basis. But instead I said, “I don’t think so, I just have one of those faces…”

He shook his head, “No, I think that you were on American Idol. You look like someone who should be on American Idol.”

“I hate to disappoint you but I wasn’t on American Idol.”

If American Idol ever changes its criteria from being a show about singing to a show based on appearance (the search for the most wholesome-looking person in America),  I would have to kill Taylor Swift and then I would have a pretty good chance of winning.

It’s too bad that John saw through me so quickly. I was pretty convinced that my leather jacket and  bright, blue bottle of Jones Soda disguise would be enough to let me fly under the radar.

Next time I’ll try a different perfume.  I bet that a bottle from Victoria’s Secret will do the trick.

art mermaid

All in all, it was a great night! I brought home an original piece of artwork, drank a free lemonade, and somewhere in cyber space there is a picture of me and Kelsey with a lesbian photobomber.

If you find it on Facebook, I would love to see it

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3 Responses to “I Was The Unintentional Party Pooper”

  1. deanna December 1, 2013 at 5:34 pm #

    This was the best one yet! You are too funny. I loved it all. Keep it up Kate.

    • kateherrod December 1, 2013 at 9:18 pm #

      Thanks for reading, I think its a lot funnier when you know some of the background stories.

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Have you ever seen a Mormon girl at a non-mormon party? | mormisthenorm - December 1, 2013

    […] [Please check out Kate's version of the party at her irresistible blog here] […]

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